for me to live is Christ and to die is gain Philip 1:21

Its been quite a while since I have blogged not that I was ever an "avid" blogger but I feel like there is a blog that has been waiting to go out.  I am sure many of you have been waiting for this only because you care.  This is so painful for me but I feel like I must get it out maybe its part of grieving but who knows.

  My life took a turn that was completely unexpected this winter when my Mom unexpectedly past away in early March.  Just 6 days before, I was in Seattle visiting with not one thought in my mind that it would be my last visit with my mom.   My  mom was not old and not a sickly person she was a healthy young 50 year old  woman. 
I'll never forget the day that she passed away nothing can ever prepare you for losing someone you love so much.  The last time I saw my mom it was 4 am March 4th and she was hugging us goodbye as we got into the car with my dad to head to the airport.  My mom was crying like she always did whenever she left us here in RI or when we would leave Seattle to come back to RI, but I said "Don't cry Mom, I'll see you in two months it will go fast."  (She was supposed to come to RI in May for Braydens 2nd birthday Moms annual extended summer trip)  but thats how it was I never had to miss her TOO much because our next visits were always just around the corner.  Sad goodbyes ALWAYS made me so uncomfortable so I did my best at the end of every visit to make the goodbyes short and sweet.  I'll never ever take goodbye for granted again.  I had no idea what would come in the following days.  My sister had a baby 2 weeks early on that Monday March 7th my mom was right by her side as she brought Baby Aliyah into this world.  That night after Aliyah was born my mom started running a really high fever and felt horribly sick, so my Dad took her the the dr the very next morning.  I remember my mom calling me that Tues crying saying how sick she felt and asking me to please pray for her.  I knew she must have been pretty sick because my mom does not cry about being sick and does not go the dr unless its serious.  At the Dr's office they thought maybe she had caught a virus because she had just recovered from strep throat but the tests came back negative that it was not still in her body and she did not have the flu.  They told her that she was very dehydrated from running such a high fever and gave her the option to get an IV or just go home and drink alot of fluids and true to my mom's form she chose to go home and drink lots of water.  The next day her fever broke but she still wasn't feeling good, and by that night she had cold shivers and was just feeling miserable by very early Thursday Morning my Dad and my Mom both realized that she was in pretty bad condition and so he took into the ER. 
I got a text on thursday morning from my brother saying that mom was in the hospital and that he was on his way there but wasn't sure what was going on exactly.  Because I am the only sibling of many who does not live in the greater Seattle area it was difficult for me to not know just how serious my mom's condition was.  I spent the entire day getting updates  via text from my oldest sister.  My husband and I, our family, and our church were praying fervently for my mom as the reports came in and it became more clear just how seriously sick she was  By the end of that night the hard truth would stare at us straight in the face.  In the end my mom had a very very serious pneumonia that turned septic and took her life.  I know what you may be thinking the dr's should have caught it on tuesday when she went in.  But unfortunately because my mom was so dehydrated when they did check for pneumonia they could not find it.  But because it was so bad even had they found it on tues they still would not have been able to save her life.

Now that that is over with lets get down to the nitty gritty My mom loved and served the Lord.  She raised all of us to kids to live a life surrenderd to him.  So often I am asked how I am doing and how everything is going.  Well here it is, Losing your mom at no matter what age will always happen to soon.  But when you are raised with Christ being the center of your life you view things with a different perspective a God perspective.  In what was the most tragic and difficult thing I have ever walked through in my life I have never felt the presence of our Lord more near.  Everybody knows the footsteps in the sand poem and it stands true.  I look back at the past 4 months and how God has so graciously carried me through and taken care of me in so many ways and I can't help but to be greatful to him.  Yes I have hard days most of my days at this point are good but I still have harder then other days.  And we have the most beautiful friends who continue to lift us in prayer and as we walk this out and we can feel it to our very souls when we are being prayed for.  My Pastor always says that when you are put under pressure whats inside of you will come out.  If you are living a dark life then when tragedy strikes your darkness and true depths of yourself explode for the world to see.  If you are living an upright life surrendered to the Lord then he is what will come out when tragedy happens.   As I look back to the hours and days after my mom  passed away all I can see is Christ in me.  I can not think about this situation without seeing how beautifully the Lord took care of us through it all even down to things like being there just days before or having the finances to be able to over night book a flight for our entire family to Seattle.  There are so many more ways  I could spend all day talking about how good and faithful the Lord has been to us through this season.  And how it is only because of him that we are able to still trust and love him in our lives.
It was interesting to watch my family walk through this and to see what came out of each person as they were pressed.  Most was of what we saw was beautiful a true testimony to the Lord being in our lives, in other family members it was heartbreaking to watch them walk out what really was in them.  Their souls not  being fed on the Lord put them in very sad places.
The Bible says in Joshua 24:15 choose this day whom you will serve;
I live by that everyday I choose to lay down my selfish desires and I choose the Lord in my Life.

Derek and I live only to serve and please the Lord, even when it means packing up and leaving our life in Seattle, even when it means laying down  friendships, even when it means offending family members because they don't believe like we do.  We still without question are submitted only to God. 
And because of our faithfulness to him he has given us so much more then we could ever even dream to ask for.  Our lives are filled with peace on a daily basis,  the people who we have surrounded ourselves with  also love and serve the Lord they encourage us and pray for us and push toward the kingdom. 

Its not always a walk in the park to grieve but the Lord always brings gifts along the way and shines his face down on us to let us know how much he really loves us.  Recently we found out I am pregnant and will be due on my birthday Feb 13th  This little baby is such a gift to us and the fact that the due date is my birthday it is undeniable that it is only God who loves and Cherish's us so much to bring me such a gift of life while mourning a lost life on earth.
My Mom is thriving in heaven and I will one day see her face to face when I get to go meet Jesus.   She will be there to welcome me on my first day of heaven.

I have to say a huge huge huge thanks to my amazing husband Derek,  he has taken such good care of me during this time and treated me so tenderly when it comes to my mom.  I even broke down crying in the middle of a very upscale classy restaurant when we were on a hot date and he didn't make me feel the least bit bad about it.  Embracing me as I walk out this painful journey and praying for me daily, seeking the Lord and leading our family in such a Godly manner.  Who am to deserve such a wonderful man in my life.  Its only because of the Lord.

So while people say to me frequently that I seem to be doing really good just know that it is because I have God in my life.  

Jeremiah 31:13 (NLT)  The young women will dance for joy, and 
the men--old and young--will join in the celebration. I will turn 
their mourning into joy. I will comfort them and exchange their sorrow 
for rejoicing.

I walk this scripture out daily, and I never look at my life as "sacrafice" for the 

Lord its a privilege to serve such a wonderful God